mind-gnome HaD a thought.

I know it’s only been 4.2 seconds but I have something else to say.

It seems weird that Wi-Fi exists but flushable diapers do not. You don’t have a child, so maybe they do exist and we just haven’t been adequately informed, but I feel like they’d be the talk of the town.

Maybe micro-dosing LSD wouldn’t be such a bad thing to try out? That one tech bro in Silicon Valley did and claimed he worked harder, better, faster. Also, that guy in Outside magazine said he never felt more alive post-dose.

Post-dose is fun to say. Post-dose. Post-dose.

Those dudes did seem a bit “woke” in the wrong kind of way. Like, the dark side of Namaste.

You’ve never even tried LSD.

You also don’t know what “woke” means—shut up.

Have you thought anymore about that Westworld-esque dream you had this morning? It may mean you’ve been watching too much TV but it may ALSO MEAN YOU’RE INSIDE A VERSION OF THE TRUMAN SHOW. I KNEW IT. YOU KNEW IT.

I really don’t think you need a receipt with this ATM transaction. 

Maybe hit 'print' for funsies.

Look, it just feels like the last time you played “Would You Rather” you were lame and unoriginal. Let’s think of new ones now so you don’t look like an idiot the next time you play.

Would you rather have your hands glued to your forehead…?

OR

Find out you’ve been walking around dead your whole life kinda like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense and now you’ve gotta figure out your purpose and plan in the afterlife?

That last one is shit and just stop it already.

I wish you could click your heels together in the air.

Would a water park be a cool or sad place to spend your next birthday?

Stage Right.

Cast:

ASHLYN: 24-year-old, female, Californian.

JIMMY SUTHERS: 24-year-old, male, Californian.

Scene: Saturday afternoon at a music festival in Golden Gate Park, San Francisco. Ashlyn arrives an hour after Jimmy. Their conversation takes place over text message.

ASHLYN: Hiiii! Just got here, where u at?

ASHLYN: I’m in wine lands and too sober.

(12 minutes pass)

JIMMY: Hey!

ASHLYN: Where are ya? I’ll just meet you there?

(7 minutes pass)

ASHLYN: Jiiiiiimmmmy.

JIMMY: Hey we’re over at the twin peaks stage for Rufus Du Sol.

ASHLYN: On my way now. Do you have my goodies?

JIMMY: Yeah I do. Isss good stuff.

JIMMY: Who you with?

ASHLYN: Yaaaaay, I can’t wait.

ASHLYN: It’s just me. I’m meeting up with Meg & Devin over near the Heineken tent for Sofi Tukker in a bit.

(5 minutes pass)

ASHLYN: I’m standing near stage left now. Whatcha near?

(7 minutes pass)

ASHLYN: Jimmay, where you at?

(5 minutes pass)

JIMMY: Stage right. Near that light up ball.

JIMMY: By the VIP area. But just so you know dude I’m with a bunch of randos from college.

ASHLYN: Yeah I don’t mind I just needa grab my drugs and get to Sofi.

ASHLYN: I’m stage right by VIP but I don’t see the light up ball.

ASHLYN: Can you just take a picture or FaceTime me?

(7 minutes pass)

ASHLYN: Duuuuuuuuuude

(5 minutes pass)

JIMMY: Sorry we had to take my friend Sam to the bathroom. It’s a shitshow.

ASHLYN: Wait, so you guys aren’t at Rufus anymore?

(3 minutes pass)

ASHLYN: I see the porta potties on the hill above the stage, is that where you’re at?

ASHLYN: I’m gunna head up that way.

(5 minutes pass)

JIMMY: No we’re kinda by Sutro stage.

JIMMY: I think we’ll just stay over here for a beer and Chet Faker.

ASHLYN: Gah, alright I’ll head back that way. Don’t leeeeave.

(15 minutes pass)

ASHLYN: Okay I’m by the Anchor Steam tent to the right of Sutro.

ASHLYN: Where is you?

(4 minutes pass)

ASHLYN: Jimmy Sutherssssss. Please answer.

(3 minutes pass)

ASHLYN: JIM

(3 minutes pass)

ASHLYN: Pls.

(Ashlyn calls Jimmy and it goes to voicemail.)

JIMMY: Yo we’re right by that pretzel stand

ASHLYN: I don’t see it? Near Sutro?

(Jimmy sends Ashlyn a photo of a man in neon spandex pants.)

ASHLYN: Dude. I have no idea where that is.

ASHLYN: Send another pic.

(6 minutes pass)

ASHLYN: Jiiiiim.

(5 minutes pass)

ASHLYN: I’ve seen those typing bubbles pop up on my screen like 15 times just call meeee.

JIMMY: Hey we’re by that pretzel stand

ASHLYN: Can you FaceTime me?

JIMMY: Frjifoergds

ASHLYN: ???

(3 minutes pass)

JIMMY: Sorry didn’t mean to send that

JIMMY: My service is so fucked

JIMMY: I’m wearing a blue flannel and black backpack

ASHLYN: GUY, everyone here is wearing a flannel.

ASHLYN: Okay, don’t leave I just found out where that pretzel stand is.

(5 minutes pass)

JIMMY: Yeah it’s like stage left but near that fence

ASHLYN: Wait, did you move???!

(Ashlyn calls Jimmy and it goes to voicemail.)

ASHLYN: Answer your phone.

ASHLYN: Jimmy. This is the end. Answer. My. Call.

(Ashlyn calls Jimmy and it goes to voicemail.)

JIMMY: Yo I don’t have service. We’re near that one fence that goes up to the place where you walk in at.

ASHLYN: So then stage right???

JIMMY: No left stage

ASHLYN: The fence goes up on stage right tho?

JIMMY: Oh yeah sry man stage right haha

ASHLYN: C’mooooooooon.

ASHLYN: Walking that way now.

ASHLYN: DO NOT LEAVE.

(Ashlyn watches Jimmy’s Snapchat story while walking towards stage right.)

ASHLYN: YO are you for real right now??? I just saw your snap story. You’re at D’Angelo??

(4 minutes pass)

ASHLYN: Seriously?

(3 minutes pass)

JIMMY: We’re at d’Angelo stage right. It’s at the Panhandle stage.

JIMMY: Sorry it’s a big group and I’m kinda fucked up

JIMMY: But come it’s so good!

ASHLYN: Dudeeeeeeee. I’ve already missed Sofi & I just need you to stay in one place.

ASHLYN: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ASHLYN: I’m gunna be there in 10 minutes.

Ashlyn: You’re dead to me if you leave again.

(14 minutes pass)

ASHLYN: Holy hell there are so many goddamn people here now.

ASHLYN: Are you stage left or right??

(4 minutes pass)

(Jimmy sends Ashlyn a gif of a cat swimming with goggles on.)

ASHLYN: What?

ASHLYN: YO. I AM HERE. WHERE ART THOU?

(7 minutes pass)

ASHLYN: I hate you.

(4 minutes pass)

ASHLYN: Honestly?

(4 minutes pass)

ASHLYN: GUY.

(8 minutes pass)

(Ashlyn calls Jimmy and it goes to voicemail.)

ASHLYN: DUDE. D’Angelo is over now. Why aren’t you answering?!

(5 minutes pass)

ASHLYN: I hate you.

(iMessage sends as a green text message.)

ASHLYN: What the shit is wrong with you?

(iMessage sends as a green text message.)

ASHLYN: I HATE U.

(iMessage sends as a green text message.)

(The next day: 8:32 A.M.)

JIMMY: Ashhhhh. So sorry dude my phone died. How was the rest of your night?

(End.)